In my post on where to park, I talked about how someone was letting me park at their place, and how I finally felt safe enough to get a good sleep! Well, I’ve lost that now.
I really felt like that had become my home. I felt safe because I was behind a closed gate. I knew the person who owned the place and they wanted me there. There was a water faucet that I could use for washing dishes and washing up. It was great! But they started getting complaints from neighbors that noticed that I was sleeping there. I’m not sure how they knew since I never had stuff outside and always kept my front windows covered, but somehow they found out and they complained. So I had to leave there. And now I feel homeless again. Doubly homeless.
The hardest thing for me honestly isn’t sleeping in my car. That’s not so bad. The hardest thing for me is just the knowledge that I have no place. Not having a safe place to park is really hard for me. It makes me feel like I belong nowhere. That’s what sucks about homelessness for me.
I’m trying to make the best of it. I do have a place to park for now that so far has been safe. Hopefully no one will bother me there.
Something happened recently that frightened me. This person offered me a place to stay. They made me feel so welcomed and wanted there. They gave me the keys to their place, told me to come and go as I pleased, it was great! I felt like, in some way, I had a home again. It felt so good. But I was feeling some discomfort and that discomfort grew as it seemed more and more that they were wanting something from me.
I had felt so alone before meeting them, and so lost and out of place, and it felt so good finally having a place to stay, that I thought for a bit that if they were wanting sex (as it was starting to really seem like they were) I would just do it for a place to stay. But then I freaked out. I realized that that really was the last thing I wanted to do, and so I left. I still don’t know for sure if that’s what was going on, but I was feeling so uncomfortable, and after leaving, a friend actually told me that this person had hit on multiple people at the place where I had met them.
It was super hard to leave. It had felt so good to belong in some sense again.
That’s something really hard with not having resources is I find that I struggle to keep my boundaries and take care of myself and do what I feel is good for me when it threatens a resource that I have. It’s a constant struggle between, “do I go ahead and do whatever it takes to keep this resource, including have sex?… But I know that would be damaging for me with my history… But can I live without what this person is offering?”
It’s happened in other ways too besides with sex, where I have felt so torn between staying in a bad situation to keep what the person was offering me and leaving. Which is taking care of myself? I can’t say I always know the answer, but I’m trying to figure out in each situation which decision would be the least damaging, even if it may mean doing without something I really don’t want to have to do without. And I hope eventually I’ll find ways to get those needs met without having to compromise my own emotional well being.
I don’t remember if I mentioned that I was out of town for a while staying with a friend, so I was indoors, in a bed, with a heater at nights. Now I’m back in my car. Woohoo! Lol. It’s been wet so far. I’ve heard that we are supposed to get a cold wet winter. Joy. At least so far I’ve been warm enough. I have a lot of blankets and wear two pairs of pajama’s as well as snow pants and a big jacket to bed! It does take me a while to warm up when I get in bed, but after an hour or two I get pretty warm and am ok.
In the morning, getting ready for the day is when it’s pretty cold, or when the cold affects me. I try to wash up in the car and washing off with a wet washcloth when it’s cold out is, well, cold! I’m thankful we’ve had clouds at least which has kept the nights from getting too freezing so far. We shall see what the winter brings! At least right now I’m feeling positive, which is always a good thing 🙂
I’m planning a treat for myself 🙂 I love nature, as I mentioned in the last post, so I’m thinking of going camping on my way back to town. I’ve been visiting a friend for a while to recover and now I’m headed back to the city, but on the way there are some beautiful places. I had hoped to get someone to go camping with me, but I decided, why not just go myself? So I am really looking forward to my own little camping trip 🙂
Honestly, I love hanging out at the park! It’s one of my favorite things to do 🙂 I love nature and my city has some great parks! I usually just go by myself and just sit there and enjoy the beauty. It calms me and makes me feel like life is worth living. I feel connected to nature. It’s one of the few places where I feel it doesn’t matter who or what I am. I am fully accepted and fully loved. I mean, I’m a part of nature! I come from the earth and close to the earth is where I feel most at home.
Being transgender and not really feeling like I fit either male or female I tend to feel very out of place. It’s great being in a space where that doesn’t matter. Where I don’t feel pressure to explain myself. Where I can just be.
I also love watching the dogs and the kids play 🙂 That always cheers me up!
When I first came to town, I really didn’t know where I would park. The first night, I asked the security person at a Flying J if I could sleep in their parking lot. He said yes and that he would watch out for me. It was really hard to sleep that first night. I was totally freaked but I did finally get some sleep though I was too afraid to lay down in the back so I just sat in the driver’s chair, which is not the best place to sleep!
The second night, I had met some other people and asked them where was a good place to park. They sent me to a dark road beside a big store. When I arrived there were quite a few other people also sleeping in their cars there. Again, I slept in the driver’s seat because I was too afraid to lay down in the back.
By the third day, I realized I was going to have to find a way to get better sleep. I began looking in to homeless shelters, but was told that wouldn’t be a very good option being I am transgender (besides other reasons). Thankfully, someone offered that I could park behind their place. I felt SO much safer there and finally was able to get some sleep!
I am SUPER grateful that my city has some good resources for transgender people. That is not the case in many places. The trans community has been my biggest support during this whole time. The trans support groups keep me going. People in the community have helped me find resources and have offered a caring ear. I really don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have this. I hope that soon all towns will have resources specifically to help transgender persons.