I said in the last post that the hardest thing for me isn’t sleeping in my car, it’s the knowledge that I have no place. I’ve thought about this recently because I realized that, I really think it’s awesome to live in one’s car by choice – to travel, save money, have a truly mobile home, etc. And so I wondered why I was struggling so much living in my car. I guess it’s because I feel so out of place.
For me, homelessness – what makes me feel truly homeless – is having no family. It’s having no safe place to park. It’s knowing that I could get in trouble any time just because I am trying to have a good nights sleep. It’s never knowing when I’ll have to find a new parking place. It’s knowing that people look down on us who are homeless. It’s being exhausted and not having a bed I can go lay down on and just escape the world for a bit. Those are the things that make me feel homeless. Not living in my car.
Actually, when I think of my long term plans, I don’t really plan on getting a house for quite a while. I plan to get a larger vehicle so I can live in it and travel when I have the money. But I want to do it for the fun and adventure, not because I feel I have to.
In my post on where to park, I talked about how someone was letting me park at their place, and how I finally felt safe enough to get a good sleep! Well, I’ve lost that now.
I really felt like that had become my home. I felt safe because I was behind a closed gate. I knew the person who owned the place and they wanted me there. There was a water faucet that I could use for washing dishes and washing up. It was great! But they started getting complaints from neighbors that noticed that I was sleeping there. I’m not sure how they knew since I never had stuff outside and always kept my front windows covered, but somehow they found out and they complained. So I had to leave there. And now I feel homeless again. Doubly homeless.
The hardest thing for me honestly isn’t sleeping in my car. That’s not so bad. The hardest thing for me is just the knowledge that I have no place. Not having a safe place to park is really hard for me. It makes me feel like I belong nowhere. That’s what sucks about homelessness for me.
I’m trying to make the best of it. I do have a place to park for now that so far has been safe. Hopefully no one will bother me there.
Something happened recently that frightened me. This person offered me a place to stay. They made me feel so welcomed and wanted there. They gave me the keys to their place, told me to come and go as I pleased, it was great! I felt like, in some way, I had a home again. It felt so good. But I was feeling some discomfort and that discomfort grew as it seemed more and more that they were wanting something from me.
I had felt so alone before meeting them, and so lost and out of place, and it felt so good finally having a place to stay, that I thought for a bit that if they were wanting sex (as it was starting to really seem like they were) I would just do it for a place to stay. But then I freaked out. I realized that that really was the last thing I wanted to do, and so I left. I still don’t know for sure if that’s what was going on, but I was feeling so uncomfortable, and after leaving, a friend actually told me that this person had hit on multiple people at the place where I had met them.
It was super hard to leave. It had felt so good to belong in some sense again.
That’s something really hard with not having resources is I find that I struggle to keep my boundaries and take care of myself and do what I feel is good for me when it threatens a resource that I have. It’s a constant struggle between, “do I go ahead and do whatever it takes to keep this resource, including have sex?… But I know that would be damaging for me with my history… But can I live without what this person is offering?”
It’s happened in other ways too besides with sex, where I have felt so torn between staying in a bad situation to keep what the person was offering me and leaving. Which is taking care of myself? I can’t say I always know the answer, but I’m trying to figure out in each situation which decision would be the least damaging, even if it may mean doing without something I really don’t want to have to do without. And I hope eventually I’ll find ways to get those needs met without having to compromise my own emotional well being.
Honestly, I love hanging out at the park! It’s one of my favorite things to do 🙂 I love nature and my city has some great parks! I usually just go by myself and just sit there and enjoy the beauty. It calms me and makes me feel like life is worth living. I feel connected to nature. It’s one of the few places where I feel it doesn’t matter who or what I am. I am fully accepted and fully loved. I mean, I’m a part of nature! I come from the earth and close to the earth is where I feel most at home.
Being transgender and not really feeling like I fit either male or female I tend to feel very out of place. It’s great being in a space where that doesn’t matter. Where I don’t feel pressure to explain myself. Where I can just be.
I also love watching the dogs and the kids play 🙂 That always cheers me up!