PTSD and Staying with People

Today I was up earlier than usual, so I decided to go somewhere. While at the โ€œsomewhereโ€ where I decided to go, I met a super awesome man. I noticed him because he is very masculine looking, but was wearing a short flowery skirt. We talked for a long time. While talking it came up that I live in my car. He said he lived out of town and his brother was in his guest house or he would offer that I come stay with him and then he was trying to think of other people I could possibly stay with. I explained that I tend to have trouble living with people and that I really am ok in my car, but that I really appreciated it.

There have been quite a few people who have offered places to stay and I so appreciate it, or they’ve suggested homeless shelters and other things. I find that it’s very hard for me to live with people though, especially people I don’t know. I think it’d be impossible. I get very triggered very easily by a lot of things. I couldn’t even live with my ex girlfriend very long because of it though I really loved her.

So this makes it kind of hard when I think of looking for housing. I also have heard from several people that, being transgender and gender non-conforming, shelters would not be a good option for me. There is one women’s shelter that sounds nice, but I’d have to tell them a different name and make sure I didn’t slip up or else I’d be out. That sucks.

I also think of housing if and when I get the money (I’m applying for disability so I may have money at some point hopefully soon). It’d be hard to find a place that would feel safe. When I lived with my ex, I was more afraid in her house than I am in my car because of the part of town and the things I would hear. And I’m guessing any low income housing I could find would likely be a similar situation.

Good thing I’m feeling pretty positive about living in my car right now because I think this may be pretty long term! At least in my car I can move from place to place if I need to. And hey, I get to enjoy the beauty that I would probably never get out to enjoy were I in a house. The other night I watched the full moon rise and it was so gorgeous! I wouldn’t do that if I were in a home because I’m too much of a home body. There are definitely positives about my car ๐Ÿ™‚


Comfy Bed

Today I’m feeling a lot more positive than yesterday thankfully. The weather is beautiful and that always helps. I went to the park and it was actually warm enough to sit out in the sun! Lovely!

Last night for the first time I think since I’ve been homeless I actually woke up in the night and thought how comfy my bed was. I was all snuggled in my sleeping bags in the back of the car and I was actually warm enough because the weather has warmed up and I felt really good. That was nice ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s interesting figuring out the best way to sleep in a car. I put down my back seats so I can sleep half in the trunk and half on the back of the seats. I’m pretty tall so I have to sleep bent so that the big hump where the seats fold down hits at my waist since that’s the most comfortable. When I first started sleeping in my car, the seats where quite high up so it was more like sleeping in a recliner, not very comfortable after a while. Finally, I figured out that if I moved things around in my car, I can move the bottom cushion from the back seat forward which allows the seat backs to lay down lower allowing me to lay flatter. It’s a lot nicer this way!

If anyone else reads this blog who is also car camping, please let me know if you have ideas for comfy car sleeping!


What is Homelessness for Me

I said in the last post that the hardest thing for me isn’t sleeping in my car, it’s the knowledge that I have no place. I’ve thought about this recently because I realized that, I really think it’s awesome to live in one’s car by choice โ€“ to travel, save money, have a truly mobile home, etc. And so I wondered why I was struggling so much living in my car. I guess it’s because I feel so out of place.

For me, homelessness โ€“ what makes me feel truly homeless โ€“ is having no family. It’s having no safe place to park. It’s knowing that I could get in trouble any time just because I am trying to have a good nights sleep. It’s never knowing when I’ll have to find a new parking place. It’s knowing that people look down on us who are homeless. It’s being exhausted and not having a bed I can go lay down on and just escape the world for a bit. Those are the things that make me feel homeless. Not living in my car.

Actually, when I think of my long term plans, I don’t really plan on getting a house for quite a while. I plan to get a larger vehicle so I can live in it and travel when I have the money. But I want to do it for the fun and adventure, not because I feel I have to.