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PTSD and Staying with People

Today I was up earlier than usual, so I decided to go somewhere. While at the โ€œsomewhereโ€ where I decided to go, I met a super awesome man. I noticed him because he is very masculine looking, but was wearing a short flowery skirt. We talked for a long time. While talking it came up that I live in my car. He said he lived out of town and his brother was in his guest house or he would offer that I come stay with him and then he was trying to think of other people I could possibly stay with. I explained that I tend to have trouble living with people and that I really am ok in my car, but that I really appreciated it.

There have been quite a few people who have offered places to stay and I so appreciate it, or they’ve suggested homeless shelters and other things. I find that it’s very hard for me to live with people though, especially people I don’t know. I think it’d be impossible. I get very triggered very easily by a lot of things. I couldn’t even live with my ex girlfriend very long because of it though I really loved her.

So this makes it kind of hard when I think of looking for housing. I also have heard from several people that, being transgender and gender non-conforming, shelters would not be a good option for me. There is one women’s shelter that sounds nice, but I’d have to tell them a different name and make sure I didn’t slip up or else I’d be out. That sucks.

I also think of housing if and when I get the money (I’m applying for disability so I may have money at some point hopefully soon). It’d be hard to find a place that would feel safe. When I lived with my ex, I was more afraid in her house than I am in my car because of the part of town and the things I would hear. And I’m guessing any low income housing I could find would likely be a similar situation.

Good thing I’m feeling pretty positive about living in my car right now because I think this may be pretty long term! At least in my car I can move from place to place if I need to. And hey, I get to enjoy the beauty that I would probably never get out to enjoy were I in a house. The other night I watched the full moon rise and it was so gorgeous! I wouldn’t do that if I were in a home because I’m too much of a home body. There are definitely positives about my car ๐Ÿ™‚

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Comfy Bed

Today I’m feeling a lot more positive than yesterday thankfully. The weather is beautiful and that always helps. I went to the park and it was actually warm enough to sit out in the sun! Lovely!

Last night for the first time I think since I’ve been homeless I actually woke up in the night and thought how comfy my bed was. I was all snuggled in my sleeping bags in the back of the car and I was actually warm enough because the weather has warmed up and I felt really good. That was nice ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s interesting figuring out the best way to sleep in a car. I put down my back seats so I can sleep half in the trunk and half on the back of the seats. I’m pretty tall so I have to sleep bent so that the big hump where the seats fold down hits at my waist since that’s the most comfortable. When I first started sleeping in my car, the seats where quite high up so it was more like sleeping in a recliner, not very comfortable after a while. Finally, I figured out that if I moved things around in my car, I can move the bottom cushion from the back seat forward which allows the seat backs to lay down lower allowing me to lay flatter. It’s a lot nicer this way!

If anyone else reads this blog who is also car camping, please let me know if you have ideas for comfy car sleeping!

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What is Homelessness for Me

I said in the last post that the hardest thing for me isn’t sleeping in my car, it’s the knowledge that I have no place. I’ve thought about this recently because I realized that, I really think it’s awesome to live in one’s car by choice โ€“ to travel, save money, have a truly mobile home, etc. And so I wondered why I was struggling so much living in my car. I guess it’s because I feel so out of place.

For me, homelessness โ€“ what makes me feel truly homeless โ€“ is having no family. It’s having no safe place to park. It’s knowing that I could get in trouble any time just because I am trying to have a good nights sleep. It’s never knowing when I’ll have to find a new parking place. It’s knowing that people look down on us who are homeless. It’s being exhausted and not having a bed I can go lay down on and just escape the world for a bit. Those are the things that make me feel homeless. Not living in my car.

Actually, when I think of my long term plans, I don’t really plan on getting a house for quite a while. I plan to get a larger vehicle so I can live in it and travel when I have the money. But I want to do it for the fun and adventure, not because I feel I have to.