Winter has officially come and it’s cold! Now I’m depressed. It’s really hard for me to stay positive and cheerful about life when I’m freezing.┬áThe cold has this weird way of getting to me and making me become super emotional and super down.

Moisture is condensing in the car and all my stuff is getting wet too. I never thought of that happening. My blankets and clothes are getting wet and I’m afraid stuff will mold since I’m not sure how to get it to dry out well enough.

I’m thinking of the next couple months and trying to remind myself winter won’t last forever. If I can just get through this next couple months then it’ll start warming up again. I heard this is supposed to be a real cold and wet winter, but that was a couple months ago. Maybe things have changed. I hope.

At least on sunny days my car warms up nicely so I’m not too cold, and some days I’m even quite warm, sitting in my car.

Sometimes I lay in bed (in the car) and think of the people who are out on the street (with no car) and I wonder how they’re surviving. It makes me really sad. I’ve wished I could fit someone else in my car with me, but there’s no way that would work. I just wish there was some way to make it warmer for all of us who don’t have warm houses to be in and I wish the people with the warm houses would think of those who don’t have that…

I called a couple places that I was told may be able to help me get housing. They weren’t very nice to me. After talking to them I felt like I’d rather just stay in my car and at least maintain my dignity and not be treated that way. It’s so hard to ask for help, but I just can’t do it if the person isn’t even going to show me respect as a human being. I’m trying so hard already to maintain respect for myself.


How I Became Homeless

I grew up with money, then I got married and my husband and I struggled a lot with poverty. Near the beginning of this year I decided I needed a divorce. I didn’t have anything to sustain myself and my husband had been taking care of me since my health has been pretty bad for a long time, but I just felt I needed to leave. So I left to the city to try to find community and resources that I couldn’t find out in the country where we lived. My ex (I’ll call him Steven) and I are still close and I still return at times and stay with him to try to recover a bit, but for the most part, I am homeless in the city.

I’ve been on this long journey of trying to find myself. It started about 3 years ago. I first began working through past trauma. Then I realized I wasn’t a straight woman. I came out as a lesbian, then after several more months I came out as transmasculine.

Steven and I lived way out in the country. I love the country, but being queer and trans it just became too much being out in a super conservative place where I had no community. I also realized I just couldn’t be married to a man. I am attracted to men in some ways, but for a life partner, I don’t think I can be with a man though Steven is a wonderful person. So I decided to leave. It was so scary, but I also felt excited to be starting a new part of my life and so that kept me going for the first part of my time being homeless. Now the excitement has kind of worn off and I am feeling quite often very depressed. I’m trying to figure out how to get myself into a better place emotionally. I think this blog will help.