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Dangerous Situation

***** This post might be triggering *****

Something really scary happened last evening. I was standing outside with a friend (who is also homeless and we usually stay in the same place). We’re talking and this dude walks by and insults him. He just starts going off on the dude and making a huge deal out of what wasn’t such a huge thing. The guy was going to just walk off but my friend wouldn’t drop it. He kept on and kept on getting more and more angry and aggressive all the time. It was like the more angry he got the more it fueled his anger or something.

The guy had walked around the corner but my friend kept yelling after him, so he came back. My friend asked me if I was scared and I said ya. He said I could leave, but I had no place to go. My car was right by that guy so I was afraid to go there. I was afraid if I walked away the guy would follow me. And I didn’t want to just leave my friend because I was afraid he would get himself killed.

It kept getting worse and the guy sounded like he said something about a bullet. I was totally freaked. Finally, the guy says to get out of there and he stands around the corner and starts counting “one one thousand…two one thousand…” That was the most terrifying countdown and reminded me too much of past abuse.

I didn’t know anything to do but go get in my car. I felt horrible leaving my friend but decided he was being really stupid and it made no sense for me to stay around and get killed too. So I started towards my car, but that was the same direction as the guy was in. He started saying stuff to me and started towards my car. I was checked out and didn’t even know what I was doing but I just stayed quiet, didn’t look at him, and kept going. I got in my car and thankfully my brain switched on long enough to remind me to quick lock my doors.

The dude leaned across my car and I was so afraid if I drove off he’d shoot or something. But I started the car and gave a few moments so he’d know I was going, and then slowly pulled away. Thankfully, he just got off my car and let me go. I kept looking in the rearview mirror because I was so afraid for my friend, but he also got in his car and left. The guy reached in his jacket at some point and I thought sure he would shoot us, but he didn’t. I think angels were protecting us.

Anyway, it was absolutely terrifying. I totally froze, but I kept thinking of my friend’s safety and that’s what makes me really mad…he totally put my life in danger and didn’t think of my safety while I was thinking of his the whole time!

I honestly feel super super angry at my friend for that. He needs to learn to think about others. If he wants to fight people and act dumb, he needs to do it when he’s alone and not be endangering other people’s lives. It’s just not worth it. I told him when it started, “it’s not worth it” but he said “to me it is!” So it’s worth it to him to get me killed too I suppose. I just can’t be around him anymore. I’m so afraid and I’m really triggered by him as well. Anger is super triggering to me and I have bad PTSD and I just can’t deal with that kind of crap.

I was so terrified when I left, I didn’t realize till I got to a nearby park and stopped that I hadn’t even gotten my door shut. I was shaking like crazy. I called multiple crisis hotlines because I just needed to talk about it over and over and kept crying and crying. But I knew if I didn’t do that I’d just totally dissociate and then it would be a lot worse later. I finally got (amazingly!) where I could sleep and I prayed a lot and was able to sleep ok. I was so afraid I’d have nightmares but I didn’t. But then this morning, I was again feeling really triggered and afraid. I’ve been at the library writing about it and also talked to my best friend about it. That all helped, but this was just a really sucky situation and I’m so glad it’s over but definitely scared from it still.

I’m also just super angry at my friend for that and I don’t want to see him. I’m afraid to go where we usually hang out and I really wish I had a different place to spend the nights but I don’t so I just hope he doesn’t start stuff where we sleep.

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PTSD and Staying with People

Today I was up earlier than usual, so I decided to go somewhere. While at the “somewhere” where I decided to go, I met a super awesome man. I noticed him because he is very masculine looking, but was wearing a short flowery skirt. We talked for a long time. While talking it came up that I live in my car. He said he lived out of town and his brother was in his guest house or he would offer that I come stay with him and then he was trying to think of other people I could possibly stay with. I explained that I tend to have trouble living with people and that I really am ok in my car, but that I really appreciated it.

There have been quite a few people who have offered places to stay and I so appreciate it, or they’ve suggested homeless shelters and other things. I find that it’s very hard for me to live with people though, especially people I don’t know. I think it’d be impossible. I get very triggered very easily by a lot of things. I couldn’t even live with my ex girlfriend very long because of it though I really loved her.

So this makes it kind of hard when I think of looking for housing. I also have heard from several people that, being transgender and gender non-conforming, shelters would not be a good option for me. There is one women’s shelter that sounds nice, but I’d have to tell them a different name and make sure I didn’t slip up or else I’d be out. That sucks.

I also think of housing if and when I get the money (I’m applying for disability so I may have money at some point hopefully soon). It’d be hard to find a place that would feel safe. When I lived with my ex, I was more afraid in her house than I am in my car because of the part of town and the things I would hear. And I’m guessing any low income housing I could find would likely be a similar situation.

Good thing I’m feeling pretty positive about living in my car right now because I think this may be pretty long term! At least in my car I can move from place to place if I need to. And hey, I get to enjoy the beauty that I would probably never get out to enjoy were I in a house. The other night I watched the full moon rise and it was so gorgeous! I wouldn’t do that if I were in a home because I’m too much of a home body. There are definitely positives about my car 🙂