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Fear of Losing Resources

Something happened recently that frightened me. This person offered me a place to stay. They made me feel so welcomed and wanted there. They gave me the keys to their place, told me to come and go as I pleased, it was great! I felt like, in some way, I had a home again. It felt so good. But I was feeling some discomfort and that discomfort grew as it seemed more and more that they were wanting something from me.

I had felt so alone before meeting them, and so lost and out of place, and it felt so good finally having a place to stay, that I thought for a bit that if they were wanting sex (as it was starting to really seem like they were) I would just do it for a place to stay. But then I freaked out. I realized that that really was the last thing I wanted to do, and so I left. I still don’t know for sure if that’s what was going on, but I was feeling so uncomfortable, and after leaving, a friend actually told me that this person had hit on multiple people at the place where I had met them.

It was super hard to leave. It had felt so good to belong in some sense again.

That’s something really hard with not having resources is I find that I struggle to keep my boundaries and take care of myself and do what I feel is good for me when it threatens a resource that I have. It’s a constant struggle between, “do I go ahead and do whatever it takes to keep this resource, including have sex?… But I know that would be damaging for me with my history… But can I live without what this person is offering?”

It’s happened in other ways too besides with sex, where I have felt so torn between staying in a bad situation to keep what the person was offering me and leaving. Which is taking care of myself? I can’t say I always know the answer, but I’m trying to figure out in each situation which decision would be the least damaging, even if it may mean doing without something I really don’t want to have to do without. And I hope eventually I’ll find ways to get those needs met without having to compromise my own emotional well being.

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Resources for Transgender People

I am SUPER grateful that my city has some good resources for transgender people. That is not the case in many places. The trans community has been my biggest support during this whole time. The trans support groups keep me going. People in the community have helped me find resources and have offered a caring ear. I really don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have this. I hope that soon all towns will have resources specifically to help transgender persons.