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Homeless Again

In my post on where to park, I talked about how someone was letting me park at their place, and how I finally felt safe enough to get a good sleep! Well, I’ve lost that now.

I really felt like that had become my home. I felt safe because I was behind a closed gate. I knew the person who owned the place and they wanted me there. There was a water faucet that I could use for washing dishes and washing up. It was great! But they started getting complaints from neighbors that noticed that I was sleeping there. I’m not sure how they knew since I never had stuff outside and always kept my front windows covered, but somehow they found out and they complained. So I had to leave there. And now I feel homeless again. Doubly homeless.

The hardest thing for me honestly isn’t sleeping in my car. That’s not so bad. The hardest thing for me is just the knowledge that I have no place. Not having a safe place to park is really hard for me. It makes me feel like I belong nowhere. That’s what sucks about homelessness for me.

I’m trying to make the best of it. I do have a place to park for now that so far has been safe. Hopefully no one will bother me there.

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Fear of Losing Resources

Something happened recently that frightened me. This person offered me a place to stay. They made me feel so welcomed and wanted there. They gave me the keys to their place, told me to come and go as I pleased, it was great! I felt like, in some way, I had a home again. It felt so good. But I was feeling some discomfort and that discomfort grew as it seemed more and more that they were wanting something from me.

I had felt so alone before meeting them, and so lost and out of place, and it felt so good finally having a place to stay, that I thought for a bit that if they were wanting sex (as it was starting to really seem like they were) I would just do it for a place to stay. But then I freaked out. I realized that that really was the last thing I wanted to do, and so I left. I still don’t know for sure if that’s what was going on, but I was feeling so uncomfortable, and after leaving, a friend actually told me that this person had hit on multiple people at the place where I had met them.

It was super hard to leave. It had felt so good to belong in some sense again.

That’s something really hard with not having resources is I find that I struggle to keep my boundaries and take care of myself and do what I feel is good for me when it threatens a resource that I have. It’s a constant struggle between, “do I go ahead and do whatever it takes to keep this resource, including have sex?… But I know that would be damaging for me with my history… But can I live without what this person is offering?”

It’s happened in other ways too besides with sex, where I have felt so torn between staying in a bad situation to keep what the person was offering me and leaving. Which is taking care of myself? I can’t say I always know the answer, but I’m trying to figure out in each situation which decision would be the least damaging, even if it may mean doing without something I really don’t want to have to do without. And I hope eventually I’ll find ways to get those needs met without having to compromise my own emotional well being.