Something happened recently that frightened me. This person offered me a place to stay. They made me feel so welcomed and wanted there. They gave me the keys to their place, told me to come and go as I pleased, it was great! I felt like, in some way, I had a home again. It felt so good. But I was feeling some discomfort and that discomfort grew as it seemed more and more that they were wanting something from me.
I had felt so alone before meeting them, and so lost and out of place, and it felt so good finally having a place to stay, that I thought for a bit that if they were wanting sex (as it was starting to really seem like they were) I would just do it for a place to stay. But then I freaked out. I realized that that really was the last thing I wanted to do, and so I left. I still don’t know for sure if that’s what was going on, but I was feeling so uncomfortable, and after leaving, a friend actually told me that this person had hit on multiple people at the place where I had met them.
It was super hard to leave. It had felt so good to belong in some sense again.
That’s something really hard with not having resources is I find that I struggle to keep my boundaries and take care of myself and do what I feel is good for me when it threatens a resource that I have. It’s a constant struggle between, “do I go ahead and do whatever it takes to keep this resource, including have sex?… But I know that would be damaging for me with my history… But can I live without what this person is offering?”
It’s happened in other ways too besides with sex, where I have felt so torn between staying in a bad situation to keep what the person was offering me and leaving. Which is taking care of myself? I can’t say I always know the answer, but I’m trying to figure out in each situation which decision would be the least damaging, even if it may mean doing without something I really don’t want to have to do without. And I hope eventually I’ll find ways to get those needs met without having to compromise my own emotional well being.