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PTSD and Staying with People

Today I was up earlier than usual, so I decided to go somewhere. While at the “somewhere” where I decided to go, I met a super awesome man. I noticed him because he is very masculine looking, but was wearing a short flowery skirt. We talked for a long time. While talking it came up that I live in my car. He said he lived out of town and his brother was in his guest house or he would offer that I come stay with him and then he was trying to think of other people I could possibly stay with. I explained that I tend to have trouble living with people and that I really am ok in my car, but that I really appreciated it.

There have been quite a few people who have offered places to stay and I so appreciate it, or they’ve suggested homeless shelters and other things. I find that it’s very hard for me to live with people though, especially people I don’t know. I think it’d be impossible. I get very triggered very easily by a lot of things. I couldn’t even live with my ex girlfriend very long because of it though I really loved her.

So this makes it kind of hard when I think of looking for housing. I also have heard from several people that, being transgender and gender non-conforming, shelters would not be a good option for me. There is one women’s shelter that sounds nice, but I’d have to tell them a different name and make sure I didn’t slip up or else I’d be out. That sucks.

I also think of housing if and when I get the money (I’m applying for disability so I may have money at some point hopefully soon). It’d be hard to find a place that would feel safe. When I lived with my ex, I was more afraid in her house than I am in my car because of the part of town and the things I would hear. And I’m guessing any low income housing I could find would likely be a similar situation.

Good thing I’m feeling pretty positive about living in my car right now because I think this may be pretty long term! At least in my car I can move from place to place if I need to. And hey, I get to enjoy the beauty that I would probably never get out to enjoy were I in a house. The other night I watched the full moon rise and it was so gorgeous! I wouldn’t do that if I were in a home because I’m too much of a home body. There are definitely positives about my car 🙂

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How I Became Homeless

I grew up with money, then I got married and my husband and I struggled a lot with poverty. Near the beginning of this year I decided I needed a divorce. I didn’t have anything to sustain myself and my husband had been taking care of me since my health has been pretty bad for a long time, but I just felt I needed to leave. So I left to the city to try to find community and resources that I couldn’t find out in the country where we lived. My ex (I’ll call him Steven) and I are still close and I still return at times and stay with him to try to recover a bit, but for the most part, I am homeless in the city.

I’ve been on this long journey of trying to find myself. It started about 3 years ago. I first began working through past trauma. Then I realized I wasn’t a straight woman. I came out as a lesbian, then after several more months I came out as transmasculine.

Steven and I lived way out in the country. I love the country, but being queer and trans it just became too much being out in a super conservative place where I had no community. I also realized I just couldn’t be married to a man. I am attracted to men in some ways, but for a life partner, I don’t think I can be with a man though Steven is a wonderful person. So I decided to leave. It was so scary, but I also felt excited to be starting a new part of my life and so that kept me going for the first part of my time being homeless. Now the excitement has kind of worn off and I am feeling quite often very depressed. I’m trying to figure out how to get myself into a better place emotionally. I think this blog will help.

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Introduction

Hi! I’m a young (actually I’m starting to feel old, but I like to think of myself as young and most people would say I still am, lol), transmasculine, queer, disabled, person who is homeless. This morning I was wondering what I could do to feel like I have some sort of mission in life and I decided to blog about my experiences in hopes that this blog can be a help to someone, or maybe just open people’s eyes a bit to the experience of people like myself.

I am a quite sporatic blogger. I tend to make several posts and then not post for a long time. But I will probably not disappear completely 🙂

Welcome and I hope you enjoy!