PTSD and Staying with People

Today I was up earlier than usual, so I decided to go somewhere. While at the “somewhere” where I decided to go, I met a super awesome man. I noticed him because he is very masculine looking, but was wearing a short flowery skirt. We talked for a long time. While talking it came up that I live in my car. He said he lived out of town and his brother was in his guest house or he would offer that I come stay with him and then he was trying to think of other people I could possibly stay with. I explained that I tend to have trouble living with people and that I really am ok in my car, but that I really appreciated it.

There have been quite a few people who have offered places to stay and I so appreciate it, or they’ve suggested homeless shelters and other things. I find that it’s very hard for me to live with people though, especially people I don’t know. I think it’d be impossible. I get very triggered very easily by a lot of things. I couldn’t even live with my ex girlfriend very long because of it though I really loved her.

So this makes it kind of hard when I think of looking for housing. I also have heard from several people that, being transgender and gender non-conforming, shelters would not be a good option for me. There is one women’s shelter that sounds nice, but I’d have to tell them a different name and make sure I didn’t slip up or else I’d be out. That sucks.

I also think of housing if and when I get the money (I’m applying for disability so I may have money at some point hopefully soon). It’d be hard to find a place that would feel safe. When I lived with my ex, I was more afraid in her house than I am in my car because of the part of town and the things I would hear. And I’m guessing any low income housing I could find would likely be a similar situation.

Good thing I’m feeling pretty positive about living in my car right now because I think this may be pretty long term! At least in my car I can move from place to place if I need to. And hey, I get to enjoy the beauty that I would probably never get out to enjoy were I in a house. The other night I watched the full moon rise and it was so gorgeous! I wouldn’t do that if I were in a home because I’m too much of a home body. There are definitely positives about my car 🙂

Hanging Out At The Park

Honestly, I love hanging out at the park! It’s one of my favorite things to do 🙂 I love nature and my city has some great parks! I usually just go by myself and just sit there and enjoy the beauty. It calms me and makes me feel like life is worth living. I feel connected to nature. It’s one of the few places where I feel it doesn’t matter who or what I am. I am fully accepted and fully loved. I mean, I’m a part of nature! I come from the earth and close to the earth is where I feel most at home.

 

Being transgender and not really feeling like I fit either male or female I tend to feel very out of place. It’s great being in a space where that doesn’t matter. Where I don’t feel pressure to explain myself. Where I can just be.

 

I also love watching the dogs and the kids play 🙂 That always cheers me up!

Where to Park?

When I first came to town, I really didn’t know where I would park. The first night, I asked the security person at a Flying J if I could sleep in their parking lot. He said yes and that he would watch out for me. It was really hard to sleep that first night. I was totally freaked but I did finally get some sleep though I was too afraid to lay down in the back so I just sat in the driver’s chair, which is not the best place to sleep!

The second night, I had met some other people and asked them where was a good place to park. They sent me to a dark road beside a big store. When I arrived there were quite a few other people also sleeping in their cars there. Again, I slept in the driver’s seat because I was too afraid to lay down in the back.

By the third day, I realized I was going to have to find a way to get better sleep. I began looking in to homeless shelters, but was told that wouldn’t be a very good option being I am transgender (besides other reasons). Thankfully, someone offered that I could park behind their place. I felt SO much safer there and finally was able to get some sleep!

Resources for Transgender People

I am SUPER grateful that my city has some good resources for transgender people. That is not the case in many places. The trans community has been my biggest support during this whole time. The trans support groups keep me going. People in the community have helped me find resources and have offered a caring ear. I really don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have this. I hope that soon all towns will have resources specifically to help transgender persons.

How I Became Homeless

I grew up with money, then I got married and my husband and I struggled a lot with poverty. Near the beginning of this year I decided I needed a divorce. I didn’t have anything to sustain myself and my husband had been taking care of me since my health has been pretty bad for a long time, but I just felt I needed to leave. So I left to the city to try to find community and resources that I couldn’t find out in the country where we lived. My ex (I’ll call him Steven) and I are still close and I still return at times and stay with him to try to recover a bit, but for the most part, I am homeless in the city.

I’ve been on this long journey of trying to find myself. It started about 3 years ago. I first began working through past trauma. Then I realized I wasn’t a straight woman. I came out as a lesbian, then after several more months I came out as transmasculine.

Steven and I lived way out in the country. I love the country, but being queer and trans it just became too much being out in a super conservative place where I had no community. I also realized I just couldn’t be married to a man. I am attracted to men in some ways, but for a life partner, I don’t think I can be with a man though Steven is a wonderful person. So I decided to leave. It was so scary, but I also felt excited to be starting a new part of my life and so that kept me going for the first part of my time being homeless. Now the excitement has kind of worn off and I am feeling quite often very depressed. I’m trying to figure out how to get myself into a better place emotionally. I think this blog will help.

Introduction

Hi! I’m a young (actually I’m starting to feel old, but I like to think of myself as young and most people would say I still am, lol), transmasculine, queer, disabled, person who is homeless. This morning I was wondering what I could do to feel like I have some sort of mission in life and I decided to blog about my experiences in hopes that this blog can be a help to someone, or maybe just open people’s eyes a bit to the experience of people like myself.

I am a quite sporatic blogger. I tend to make several posts and then not post for a long time. But I will probably not disappear completely 🙂

Welcome and I hope you enjoy!